Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
You Might Also Like
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
remember
only for emergencies
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots