Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO