There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Well, this explains it:
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Owl Sanctuary
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.