make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
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Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.