Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.