I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
#FunnyLife Insects
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Body by cheese-puffs.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up