there has never been a better use of this meme
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Hey I worked for it too!
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.