[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.