Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
tell em, edith-anne
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.