The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
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Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
me irl
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations