In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.