My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
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I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
No regrets in 2018
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all