PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
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Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.