Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: š³
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My kids do not talk to me like Iām their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when youāve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful š
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: thatās fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish sheād write a song where she spells restaurant.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it āsubstitooths”.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THATāS your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
We are taking care of my friendās dog for the rest of the month.
Sheās been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said āI love youā three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
cat owners will hear their cat go āprrrpā in a certain tone and be like āoh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned onā
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pugās kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
fed my baby with a knife* today if youāre wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife