Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.