Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village