“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.