I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!