A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
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So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard