Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
You Might Also Like
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
beware of dog
The Book. The Movie.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!