‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any