Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
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Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
6: are snakes just neck?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Krampus.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun