Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
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I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
The three genders.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Bike for sale
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs