Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
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Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I am having an out of money experience.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what