Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?