worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.