School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities