When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
You Might Also Like
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
knights of the ikea table
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch