West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Nigella has gone too far this time.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.