I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
You Might Also Like
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Your secret is safeish with me
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”