[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Doctors texting each other.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: