My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
when nothing goes right… go left
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
necessity is the mother of invention
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.