“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]