Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”