Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)