Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
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Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?