—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Doctors texting each other.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Imma just leave this here…………
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺