66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
New menu item
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Solving a traffic jam
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Potatoes were such a good idea
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
constantly working on myself.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.