Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.