Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
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Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.