Yup.
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Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Rooting for the overdog
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family