[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.