Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
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Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it