life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
oh good, now I can stop drinking
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*