*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
ibopfufen
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
SPLOOT
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???