Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
The “baby” on the left….
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.