me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
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[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.