It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
You Might Also Like
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
constantly working on myself.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Who chose this font
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.