Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
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Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down