Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh